


A String of Pearls

by hopeless_eccentric



Series: (Free! That's right! Free!) Penumbra Commissions [12]
Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Canon Non-Binary Character, Disillusioned Customer Service Lady Juno Steel, Flirting, Getting Together, Hand Kisses, Humor, Jewelry Store AU, Meet-Cute, Nonbinary Juno Steel, Other, Theft, Thief Peter Nureyev, a lot of repressed flirting so like. hand brushes, jewelry theft as a plot device, juno's embarrassing thing for nureyev's teeth, this is essentially a rom com
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26905795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeless_eccentric/pseuds/hopeless_eccentric
Summary: A certain level of theft was almost always justified, in his book. That was certainly the reason he let that certain gentleman walk out without paying nearly twice per week. It wasn’t because he was handsome and examined the jewelry with an eagle’s eyes and a marble statue’s hands. It wasn’t because he dressed well and treated the staff even better. It certainly wasn’t because Juno had a crush.Free (that's right! Free!) commission for an anon on tumblr!!
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita & Juno Steel
Series: (Free! That's right! Free!) Penumbra Commissions [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1921492
Comments: 26
Kudos: 128





	A String of Pearls

**Author's Note:**

> This one's a fun one guys!! I checked for content warnings and couldn't find anything to tag, though I'll warn you that this is literally just start to finish theft. This is pure-grade, wall to wall, 110% theft.

Juno Steel was a firm believer in a little theft between friends. His closet seemed to be in a constant state of ‘half Rita’s’ at any given time, and he was fairly sure they wore each other’s clothing more than their own. After enough time as someone’s roommate, best friend, wingman, and, thanks to a promotion at that dumb jewelry store that kept the rent paid, manager, he supposed there was only so much he could do. 

A certain level of theft was almost always justified, in his book. That was certainly the reason he let that certain gentleman walk out without paying nearly twice per week. It wasn’t because he was handsome and examined the jewelry with an eagle’s eyes and a marble statue’s hands. It wasn’t because he dressed well and treated the staff even better. It certainly wasn’t because Juno had a crush. 

The man had been coming into the jewelry store for a whole, though his appearances had become gradually more regular with time. At first, he would merely flit around the edges of the store, paying for his necklace or set of earrings or whatever caught his eye on that day, and then all but fleeing from the store. 

However, after a few too many interactions with a certain cashier who definitely wasn’t rendered a stuttering, hot-faced mess when their hands brushed over a few exchanged bills, the man started coming in on a fairly regular schedule. 

Luckily, or rather, unluckily for Juno, that schedule seemed to line up perfectly with his hours. He even caught sight of the man, clad in sunglasses and sipping tea on a park bench outside, waiting for Juno’s lunch break to end before entering the store and pocketing a few too many earrings for his own good. 

Juno wished he could care that he tripped over himself like his shoes were tied together over a petty jewel thief, of all people. 

‘Jewel thief,’ as a title itself felt generous. ‘Jewel thief’ implied the kind of swashbuckler who would swing through a window on a conveniently placed rope, snatching emeralds from the crowns of kings and sweeping damsels off their feet and attending masked balls, rather than someone who just made working the cash register a lot harder. 

If anything, Juno was just an easily flustered lady whose stupid nerves around hot people made an ongoing theft of the entire store’s inventory a lot easier. 

Juno didn’t particularly care. Theft wasn’t deemed the fault of the employees, and while Juno had been chewed out once or twice, the thief was good. No suspicious flick of the wrist was ever caught on the security cameras, which also seemed to become finicky whenever he stepped into the store. There was no evidence to suggest he had done the slightest thing wrong, other than when he returned to the store a few days later with newly stolen ear cuffs snaking up around his ears and glittering boastfully. 

As much as he didn’t care for the theft itself, there was another problem bothersome enough to hide his complacency with the crime. 

The thief made off with necklaces and earrings and bracelets and brooches alike, but only on occasion did he ever wear them. Juno didn’t think there was any way in hell he was reselling jewelry that quickly, especially if this wasn’t the only store he visited. The man didn’t look like the kind of person who collected diamonds like a magpie collecting colored string, even if he did dress tormentingly well. 

Juno could only conclude one thing. The thief was a very cheap man with a very expensive date. 

He could pretend that wasn’t the case, and rather, the sharp-smiling, smooth-talking, neat-dressing gentleman thief who had occupied Juno’s mind and work calendar was just trying to unload the store’s entire stock for fun. However, on the day the thief came in looking at specifically sized engagement rings, Juno realized his denial had to come to a certain, tragic limit. 

The thief gave him an excuse to leave the cash register when he raised one deft hand in the air in a form of polite greeting. Juno swallowed and made his way over, feeling hideously underdressed in his uniform, even if he looked technically more professional than the thief. 

The man seemed the picture of poise, with a single silver chain around his neck and the posture of an ancient marble. He looked like an old trickster god, brought to life just to torment Juno Steel as he tried to muddle through a nine to five without swooning over every half-rate criminal who walked through the door. 

“Juno,” the man greeted with a sharpened smile that did an embarrassing amount of damage to Juno’s focus. It didn’t help that those bright, clever eyes of his didn’t so much as flicker down towards Juno’s name tag. “How lovely it is to see you again.” 

Before Juno could sputter out a response, the thief took Juno’s hand into his own and pressed a wine red kiss to the back of it.

This had to be flirting. There was no way in hell this wasn’t flirting. 

“What can I help you with?” Juno managed to say in something akin to a customer service voice. 

“Well, you see, I was looking for a ring in a particular size and karat,” the thief began, allowing Juno to breathe for a moment when his eyes found the ring display. “A size seven, I was hoping.” 

“These are engagement rings,” Juno noted. “Is that what you want?” 

“Precisely,” the thief said with a blazing grin, though it faltered when Juno wilted. “Whatever could be the matter, darling?” 

“Long hours, sorry,” Juno brushed him off. “Yeah, we’ve got sevens.” 

“Would you mind taking that one out of the case?” The thief prompted, eyes narrowed at a certain band of silver. 

Juno nodded in silence and retrieved the ring with hands that refused to quit shaking. When he emerged once more, the sight of the thief’s outstretched fingers made him raise an eyebrow. 

“If you wouldn’t mind, dear,” the thief smiled, sharp teeth bared and shattering Juno’s ability to function like a regular human being.

Juno assumed the man could put a ring on without any assistance, but with his heart pounding and his hands trembling and that gorgeous man’s gaze sliding from his eyes to his lips to his neck, he knew he’d rather die than pass up that opportunity. 

He tried and failed to pretend he had a sliver of composure when he slid the ring onto the thief’s fingers. Knowing he would probably melt on the spot if he met the man’s eyes, he fixed his eyes on the ring. However, watching that sharpened smile reflected in a glittering pattern of gemstones was little better. 

Even if their fingers barely brushed together, Juno all but gasped when the touch came to an end. 

The thief examined his hand. He frowned. 

“Why don’t we try that one instead?” He suggested, though the corner of his mouth twitched, as if laughing at an inside joke he didn’t feel the need to share.

Juno pretended not to notice when the first ring slid into the thief’s pocket. 

The thief picked out and tried on several different rings with the same tormenting process until he found one that shone half as bright as he did, yet still made his eyes light up when he examined it on his ring finger. 

“Gonna guess you and your partner are similar sizes?” Juno asked, a smile cracking through his shattered disappointment when the thief twisted his hand around once more, just so the diamonds would catch the light. 

“Yes,” the man answered so absentmindedly Juno doubted he had heard him at all. 

“Think that’s the one you’re going for?”

“I do believe so,” the thief mused, finally lowering his hand and raising his eyes back to Juno’s face. 

Juno felt his heart leap into his throat when the man fixed him with an earnest smile, took him by both of the hands, and squeezed. The touch felt electric, even if it was no more than he’d experience in a handshake or an accidental brush of touch. 

“Thank you, Juno,” he began. Juno said a quick prayer to keep his pulse even while those clever fingers danced over his wrist. “You’ve been such a help today.” 

“It’s uh—“ Juno swallowed. “It’s what I’m here for.” 

“You’ve gone out of your way for me, darling,” the thief insisted. 

Before Juno could try to grasp for whatever piece of the customer service script applied to this situation, the thief pulled him close and pressed a kiss to each cheek. With mile-wide eyes and a mouth ajar in shock, Juno could only nod blankly when the man fixed him with a starlet’s grin, squeezed his hands once more for good measure, and left. 

“Are you gonna make him pay for any of that, Mistah Steel?” Rita called from the other empty cash register. 

“I don’t get paid enough for this,” Juno breathed.

Juno tried to hide his disappointment when the thief spent the next few days not returning. Perhaps there had been some other person after all, and what Juno had taken as flirting were just a long string of gentlemanly niceties from the kind of person who put regency-era love interests to shame. 

When the thief waltzed through the door later that week, Juno felt his hands clench on the counter, just in case he should forget how to stand. 

“Good afternoon, Juno,” the thief greeted with a dizzying smile on his face. 

For once, it wasn’t his smile that drew Juno’s eye, but that same ring glinting on the fourth finger of his right hand. When Juno raised an eyebrow, the thief chuckled. 

“So, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess they didn’t say yes?” Juno winced. 

The thief furrowed his stupid, perfect brow. 

“Who?”

“Your—“ Juno swallowed. “Your partner?”

“Partner?” The thief all but sputtered, the bejeweled hand flying to his chest as if seeking pearls to clutch. “My darling, I am so sorry you were under that assumption. I merely wanted a ring for myself.” 

“No problem,” Juno replied in his customer service tone before he could even register that the thief was, perhaps, blatantly flirting with him all along. “Anything else I can get for you today?”

The thief laughed so sweetly Juno felt like his heart was going to burst. 

“I was hoping you might show me your favorite item in the store,” he continued, arms folding on the counter. 

He wore an expression like he was counting the inches between their lips. Juno tried not to think about that when he replied. 

“I don’t usually get the chance to wear much jewelry, but if I did, I think I’d go for a necklace like that one,” Juno started, pointing towards a display across the thankfully empty room. 

“Not one for diamonds, then?” 

Juno winced, but the thief continued before he could sputter out an explanation.

“A lady of taste, I see,” he smiled gently. “As little as I often have the occasion to wear them, I’ve always been partial to a good string of pearls myself.”

Before Juno could even begin to reply, the thief was off, returning with the necklace in hand and the same exulting adoration in the shifting of his eyes along the glossy pearls. Juno bent to retrieve a box, freezing at the sight before him when he stood up once more. 

The thief had the proper monetary amount in his hand and a grin a mile wide. 

“What? Is there something on my face, darling?” He chuckled. 

“You’re paying,” Juno sputtered. 

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” the thief mused, even if he shared a wink. 

“You never pay,” Juno blurted out.

“I pay for gifts,” the thief shrugged, pressing the money into Juno’s frozen hand before he could say another thing. “Now that matter is out of the way, would you mind stepping around the counter for me, dearest?” 

Juno swallowed and did so, mind trying and failing to cling to common sense with the thief mere inches away and the feeling of his fingers brushing against the back of his neck. It wasn’t until the thief’s face broke into a warm, adoring grin that Juno realized the pearls had been strung around his own neck. 

“Oh,” he breathed.

“Oh, indeed,” the thief chuckled. “And if you wouldn’t mind a tip, I was hoping to offer you this.” 

Juno knew the tip was going to be cheesy as hell before the man could so much as pull the sharpie from his pocket and write his phone number across Juno’s palm. He didn’t particularly mind, for there was a looping name scrawled underneath as well. 

“Peter Nureyev,” he read aloud. 

“At your service,” Nureyev grinned, all but bowing. 

“I’ll call you,” Juno felt himself smiling as well. 

Nureyev squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek and left like the sound of wind chimes swept away in a late-spring breeze. Juno didn’t even realize he had frozen until Rita let out a cackling laugh. 

“What?” He demanded, face blistering hot. 

“You looked like a rabbit in headlights, Mistah Steel,” Rita wheezed. 

“Shut up,” Juno tried not to chuckle himself. 

Once he regained some level of composure, he let out a huff. 

“Rita,” he sighed. “I think I’m quitting.”

**Author's Note:**

> Woohoo!! It's so nice to do comedy again........humor...my friend......it's been so long.........
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading!! Make sure to SMASH that kudos button and leave a comment below!
> 
> Find me on tumblr @hopeless-eccentric or on twitter @withane22 !! Hoping to reopen commissions soon, so keep an eye out on my tumblr if you're interested!!


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